Do you ever find yourself thinking internally thoughts you would never say aloud due to fear of offending someone or saying it wrong or generally making a mistake?

Do you ever slip up and find yourself saying, “Oh, was that my outside voice?”

Me too.

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So, I am not a huge reality television fan, unless we’re discussing Top Chef, Project Runway, Top Design, or What Not to Wear.  I have little patience for most of the variety of reality television going on.  Recently, there has been a minor “uproar” over Jon and Kate plus 8.  The couple is sadly getting a divorce.  I find myself having the same reaction I did when I heard that Jessica Simpson and her husband were divorcing.  It’s the same reaction I have when I see couples getting slammed in the grocery aisle tabloids, TMZ, and other media forums before, weeks or months later, separating. 

Sometimes the world does not need to watch.

Honestly.  How many intimate relationships suffer because a camera crew is always there, a host is putting a spin on the situation or the pressure of “being ‘on'” all the time pushes one or both partners too far?  Even shows like Housewives of (name that city), which my best friend loves, or any number of the “bachelor” competitions show friendships, morals, and boundaries stretched past all limits.  Even in my favorite shows, like Top Chef, you see contestants doing things behind the scenes that they admit are out of character.

From borderline cheating to anger management issues, I wonder – is that what these people are really like on a daily basis?  Then you see them at the reunion shows or in an interview recap months later and they are mortified by their portrayal.  Family members say, “I don’t even know who that was.”  Is it any wonder marriages end and families fall apart?  In the case of Jon and Kate, don’t you think having 8 children to raise is stress enough on a marriage?  Did you really need a nation following your every move, judging your decisions, and tempting you to forget why you married and had a family to begin with? 

I think the answer is a resounding no.

The American President was elected to run the United States of America (and it’s affiliates, he he).   No seriously, he was elected to run one country.  A country with a myriad of issues and troubles right now.  Now, he has some diplomatic international responsibilities, yes, but his focus (not even a year in office) really has to be THIS country.  You know, the one we live in that put him in office. 

Now I understand that Iran is having a hell of a time.  Imagine living in a country where you have an election and you thought you voted person A into office and yet person B seems to have won by shady means.  Imagine that.  That could never happen here, right?   Land of perfect democracy that we adore.  Now imagine, in that unbelievable circumstance, that another country – any country – tried to tell us what we should or shouldn’t do to resolve the matter. 

Now, comparatively, we do process things a bit differently.  We recount, send issues to the Supreme Court, protest, use the media to express out opinions and if we don’t get our way, take every opportunity to point out why the guy who won sucks and should never have been in office.  That’s just how we roll here. 

Note:  Iran is not the USA.  They don’t work the same.  We can’t make them work the same.  All the rhetoric, stern warnings, badmouthing in the press, and nasty Twitters in the world won’t make them do what the President we elected to run THIS country tells them.  Maintaining vigilance, waiting to see if there is a crisis requiring intervention because of crimes against humanity, and working cautiously with our allies while encouraging a fair voting process and the rights of people to protest without government brutality seems like a very smart thing to do in this situation.

After all, if the President is doing his job in this country correctly, he doesn’t have much time, money, power, or political pull to do much else.  We’ve got our own internal wars to wage – let’s keep an eye on that battleground folks.  I’m more interested in what his plans are domestically, with the wars we’re already fighting, and the future plans of our place in the international financial world. 

Aren’t you?

Ok, I understand what the President is doing.  In fact, this entire post has nothing to do with him.  He’s got a tough job and frankly, since I wouldn’t want it, I think he’s doing pretty well so far.  But, I have to tell you when I hear Cyber Czar, I either picture a character from The Sims ™ or some guy living in his mother’s basement yelling up the stairs, “I AM THE CYBER CZAR – YOU WILL BOW BEFORE ME!”.  Complete with unkempt hair, unwashed “Live WoW” T-shirt and a Second Life character that looks eerily like Al Pacino. 

And just so we can keep on track with the Minority Ring of Power, he’s Asian-American.

What a big fat liar.  And at the moment, I mean that literally.  It’s ridiculous the lies we will tell ourselves.  I knew the instant I allowed myself to start cheating – I was done.  Ugh, and now here I am literally STARTING OVER.  However, this time – no roommate and no excuses.  Screw it, I’m responsible for some pretty amazing things on a day to day basis but I can’t get my eating habits in line?  That’s a load of absolute crap.  Bally’s will see my not-so-smiling face on Monday and I mean it.

I’m not even giving myself the out of being depressed for the past 9 months since my Dad died.  I mean, it’s true, but frankly my father deserves better than to tote the blame for my lack of self-discipline.  He taught me better.  I have a birthday cake to whip out for a party Sat night and a wedding cake in a month or so.  Beyond that, there will be no other sweets in my house.  NONE.  I wish there was a way to block my card from allowing me to buy them. 

Sugar is addictive.  Unlike crack, however, it’s legal, accessibly and socially acceptable.  Unless you live in California, then you’d better stick to crack.

So, here’s a huge catch-up post.

Friday:  First day of the sinning

I had veggie quiche cups for breakfast with bacon.  Cheese for midmorning snack.  I completely can’t remember what lunch was, but I’m certain it was a salad of some sort.  Afternoon snack was cucumber slices with tuna spread, but I didn’t eat but one or two and left the rest for later.  Dinner.. ah.. dinner.  So we were all “on our own” and I was invited to a wine party.  Now, I had made chicken and veggies for dinner but I didn’t eat it.   (Because I’m a complete dork)

So I ran around with some errands and end up at the wine party rather late – where they are having chocolate fondue with the associated dipping items (cheesecake, fruit, etc.)  and I had already decided I was allowing myself a little taste of things.  I literally had a couple bites of cheesecake (1/2 inch by 1/4 inch maybe?), piece of pineapple, two raspberries, couple apple slices and one piece of bread (not for dipping) but that rounds out the starches I ate (most of which were dipped in dark chocolate, but only a little).  The rest were veggies, meat and cheese fondue.  Which I can have.  So I sinned a little ….

Saturday:  The sinning goes on

I missed breakfast.  I had trouble waking up and felt really sluggish.  Bad carbs!  After I did get up, I went with my mother and brother to Arlington to visit my Dad for Valentine’s Day.  It was my brother’s first visit since the burial.  It was tough.  Afterwards we took my mom to lunch at Jaleo, a tapas restaurant, where somewhere in my brain I thought I could eat relatively healthy if not cheap.  Not only was it costly, but laden with starches and sugar, but darned tasty.  I didn’t gorge myself, having a tasting of all the different tapas then pushing away.  I didn’t eat any of the bread and oil they kept refilling.  I was actually pretty pleased with myself. 

My mother and I spent the rest of the day at IKEA and the movies, so I never ate dinner.  When I got home I was kinda noshy so I had a bite of the grilled sausages I had made for lunch that day but never ate and a bottle of water and went to bed vowing to do better the next day.  Did I mention my mother gave us boxes of chocolate for Valentine’s Day?  Yeah – those are in the freezer for now.

Sunday:  And sin no more… riiiight…

Let’s see, woke up and got on the scale – have lost 11 lbs.  Roommate has lost 14.  Hot damn!  Made a broccoli, turkey sausage and cheese omelet for us for breakfast.   Drank water and planned the grocery shopping so I could cook for this week’s meals. 

A and I were going to Costco together, but he decides he is starving right before we go and we end up at an Indian buffet.  I had actually eaten my leftover dinner from Friday night for lunch and said I wasn’t hungry.  He taunts me until I cave and get a plate with some chicken, lamb and salad on it.  I push the naan bread away.

I cave on the naan bread about halfway through.  A starts going on about the desserts and goes so far as to bring back two bowls full of rice noodle pudding (a personal favorite), honey balls (too sickeningly sweet I discover), and carrot mash made with brown sugar (which was too yummy and I ate about 1/8th of a cup).

Boo!  Sinned again.  So, we shopped and I ran around the rest of the day.  I didn’t really eat a solid dinner, but nibbled a bit as I cooked.  Then a friend invited me to her place…

Turns out it was for fondue.  Chocolate, white chocolate and caramel fondue.  I went, I ate some, including cookies, chocolate meringue bites, apples, berries, etc.  I just enjoyed myself and vowed that starting the next day, I was back on schedule.

Monday:  Repentence

Eggs for breakfast.  Cheese for midmorning snack.  Leftover sausage for lunch.  No midafternoon snack, I was cooking and nibbling on veggies as I cooked.  Dinner was supposed to be turkey meatloaf and mashed cauliflower potatoes, but I wasn’t hungry.  Drank water and had a no-sugar added fudgesicle.

So, ok… we’re getting back on track.  Going forth now to sin no more.

Overnight loss: 0.2 lbs – I’ll take it.

So, what did I eat yesterday?  Couple veggie quiches with bacon for breakfast.  String cheese for midmorning snack.  Hot chef salad for lunch.  Pistachio’s for mid-afternoon snack. Chicken breast and mixed veggies for dinner.  Vanilla Ricotta Creme for dessert.  5.5 bottles of water.

Too busy to be hungry yesterday.  We’ll see how today goes.  I’m kinda worried about tonight.  I’m attending a friend’s wine party – and I’m fairly sure 99% of everything there will be off limits to me.  I will make sure I eat dinner before I go.

Man remembering to blog about this is a challenge, but here goes! 

I wanted to punch everyone in the face.  Every pasta-munching, sauce-offering one of them.  However, I managed to not fall off the no-carb wagon and I’m proud of that.  Today I weighed myself … ok I know I promised myself I wouldn’t weigh in every day because it makes me obssessive, but I can’t help it.   I need to see progress to be motivated.  Feeling less sluggish is nice, but I want real results!

So, today I weighed myself and since Sunday, I’ve lost 3.7 lbs.   Now THAT’s what I call motivation. WOOHOO!!!  I know they say you can lost from 8-20 lbs in the first phase of the SBD, but I’m glad to see it’s true.

Ok, on to the food…well, there was the lucsious omelet they forced me to make – soo good.  One bottle of water downed.  Cheesestick for midmorning snack.  Second bottle of water down.  Leftover chopped salad and salsa pork for lunch.  Third bottle of water down. 

Had a weird time here – was physically so full I could vomit (TMI, sorry) but in my head I was craving food.  Really craving it.  I ate my midafternoon pistachios but honestly – I had to stop I was making myself ill.  The craving lasted for a long while then went away.  Not sure what to make of that.

Finished my pistachios and another bottle of water.  (I lived in the bathroom yesterday!)  Had my protein shake around 5 (when most people go home but I don’t!) – yummy chocolate ice cream flavored with only 2 carbs.   Can’t beat it with a stick.

Dinner was steak and snowpeas in the pod.  I overcooked the steak a bit, so that’s a note for next time around.   I forgot it would have time to rest and then be reheated. 

So, that was day 3… onto day 4!